Facing My Fears + Being a Feminist

I did it.  I faced my fears yesterday.  I went running by myself, outside, beyond the borders of my little neighborhood.

If you aren't familiar as to why this is such a big deal, this summer I was on a solo run and a very scary guy (totally stereotypical stalker/napper type) in a truck decided to try to pick me up and totally creep me out on so many levels.  I had to run for my life while yelling for help, call the cops and hide in another strangers car to get a ride home.  It all happened in broad daylight, on a road that I thought was pretty populated and safe.  It is a gravel road, but has quite a few houses on it and I had run on it lots of times before with TJ and the kids.

The super frustrating part about that run was that it was the very first time I had decided to go out and run by myself, without TJ or another partner.  I remember feeling empowered as I started out that day, realizing that in that moment I had truly become a runner.  Not a runners sidekick.  And then Creepy Stalker Guy shows up at mile 3 and TOTALLY deflates all of my self esteem. And worse, totally pissed me off.

There's no way to even count the number of times now that I have had to sit out of a run for a day because there was just no way TJ and I were going to be able to get out together.  Instead, he goes out, and I stay back sitting on the couch with the kids.  I also can't count the laps I've done around my neighborhood.  If any of my neighbors are as nosey as I am, looking out their window all the time, then I'm sure they eye roll when they see me pass by for the third time in 30 minutes.  I eye roll at the thought of it.  I'm BORED!  I want to get out there, run on a new street, be alone.  But I've been terrified.  If that happened on my first run by myself, what else is out there waiting for me?

So yesterday, I was over it. I was tired of being scared, of being angry.  So I told TJ I'm going. I'm going down that road again. Alone. At first I was going to at least take the dog, but he is a 2 month old puppy stuck in a full sized lab.  He didn't make the cut.  So before I changed my mind, I grabbed the pepper spray and my cell phone and ran out the door.

It felt so. freaking. good.  Until mile 3 again.  No Creepy Stalker Guy, just Stupid Farm Dog Looking To Snack On My Heal.  At just about the same spot this dog came running after me.  I grabbed my pepper spray and he kept playing with me, like he was enjoying all this. I sprayed it towards him but he bounced out of the way.  That made me more mad and a little nervous. Every time I would turn around to keep going, he would sneak up on my heals!  He eventually realized who the Alpha was and ran off, but this left me in a state of pure pissedness.

It made me feel weak, helpless, dumb.  Like I couldn't even come back and tell anyone that I had decided to go for a run again on that road without getting the "Well, you should've known better!" look, speech, FB message, whatever it would be.  That everyone would just tell me that it's too dangerous out there for us girls, and just stick to your treadmill.

I'm angry.  I'm angry at centuries of women having to live in fear because they have been told that they are weak, vulnerable, and fragile.  I'm angry that I'm angry that this will never happen to my husband.  I can do barefoot and pregnant, but I want to run outside on a freaking road, and not fear for my life, and not have other people telling me I'm stupid for wanting to.  It shouldn't be a big deal! Ah!

Being a feminist is not what I would usually call myself.  I do recognize the differences in myself allowing me to, in many beautiful ways, need my husband to make up for my female weaknesses.  But on the inside, I am strong, and I feel the world is constantly trying to take that away from me.  So where do I go with all this now?  Well, chill out a little for starters.  Drink a glass of wine, read a good book about women punching Creepy Stalker Guys in the no-nos and birthing multiple children with no drugs while baking cookies.

And  then I'm just going to continue to fight the world and try to be person God has created me to be.  A Woman. Strong. Confident. Aware.  And I will run down that road again.  But I might wear steel-toed shoes, so watch out.

Remembering When...

This week has ended up being quite an emotional one for me.  I've done a lot of looking back and recalling some bittersweet memories.  This week marks two very different life changing events for me and for our family.



Baby Kyrsta Grace born 11/14/06



4 years ago this week, I became a mother for the very first time.  My world of population TJ and Jamie seemed to turn into population Kyrsta (sounds like kEEr-sta) the very instant she entered it.  I. Loved. Her.  And for two years, she was what we lived for.  She was beautiful, and CRAZY intense, and my everything.



I was doing some deep cleaning in a closet this week and stumbled across a framed picture of Kyrsta's ultrasound picture.  I remember looking at that picture while still pregnant with her, dreaming of what she would be like, and what our life would be like once she arrived.  I wondered if she would love being our oldest child, our guinea pig full of mixed signals and untamed love.  I can tell you today, she loves everything we give her.  She loves being loved (her daddy is her favorite).  And we love to love her, still full of mixed signals and crazy untamed love. And she loves NOT being the oldest.

 2 years ago this week, we had two more beautiful babies (6 and 8 year old babies) move in to our home, and start their journey as being our children.  That was such an emotional time.  We couldn't promise them forever yet, and they were confused and losing so much of their past lives.  It makes me want to cry for them when I try to imagine the things that they must have been thinking and feeling that first week they moved into our home.  I'm tearing up now.  I worried that they would be angry with me forever for wanting them, for taking them away from everything they had been finally getting used to in their foster home; and for wanting to adopt them.  And in the beginning, I think they were.  That was hard. Poor babies.  MY poor babies. 

And now we have today.  I celebrate becoming a mother.  I celebrate the life of my Kyrsta Grace. I celebrate the coming of two hurting children into their forever home.  And I mourn the loses of my childrens' past and the things that should have been that never were.

~Lord, I give my children into your hands.  Keep them safe from harm and protect their hearts from this world that will for sure try to hurt them.  Heal the hurts that are already there that I can not take away.  You are the one whom life is worth living for.  I pray they grow to know that.  That you open their hearts, as you did ours, to a life that more then likely will not look they way they think it will, or will want it to.  But in all things, give them great love.  May they say yes to love, always yes.  And may we, as their parents, lead by example. Amen.

Our Halloween Front Yard Carnival Recap:

Last Halloween my friends and I came up with an idea.  We wanted to do something in our neighborhood that was fun, and that would help us get to know our neighbors a little better. We decided to do a front yard carnival and out of all of our neighborhoods, we decided that mine was probably going to have the most trick-or-treaters.  So we put up a little board and used it as a "fishing" for candy booth, did some face painting and handed out hot cocoa and coffee.  Even though it wasn't alot, people were still thrilled and excited to have something different and engaging.  And I actually met a lot of my neighbors that night, with whom I am now friends with, which is exactly what I was hoping for.  Yes, I like making friends with my neighbors. Sorry if you think that's wierd.

And some of my neighbors do think that is wierd.  I could tell that some people thought we were freaks who probably spiked the hot cocoa with Mary Jane, but for the most part people were thrilled to warm up with a nice hot drink while their kids filled their bags with candy at our fishing booth.

This year we decided to do the carnival again.  And we had some of the same.  A few parents wouldn't come past the sidewalk and hurried their excited kids through.  But lots of people remembered us from last year and were excited to see us bigger and better then we were the year before.

This time I put up a sign (yes, I vinyled it) on the main road a few days before to let people know about our carnival.  And then we made a super cool, HUGE fishing booth board (yes, I vinyled that too).  Then we had an apple bobbing station, face painting, blongo ball,  and coffee and apple cider (saved us TONS of time mixing up cocoa, and was still super yum-O), and TONS of our friends to help play games and pass stuff out.

There were over 30 of us hanging out at our house that night.  We polished off two giant crockpots full of chili while we waited for people to join our fun.  We were our own party, which was pretty awesome.

Not a single trick-or-treater showed up til after 6 and we were ready to go by 4!  So while we waited we had plenty of time for pictures.  We had the entire cast of Alice & Wonderland; Alice, Queen of Hearts, White Queen, Mad Hatter, March Hare, Caterpillar,Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber (my lovely husband was the Dumber of the two, but it was noticed that atleast he knew how to spell his name correctly) and myself, the Cheshire Cat. =)  That's my big Cheshire smile. I would love to show you a picture of the whole group, but there are a few kiddos in the pic that I can't post due to them being in foster care.  But I can tell you, we all looked awesome!! 



My beautiful White Queen and our Princess Kyrsta




Alice, Queen of Hearts, and White Queen



The picture says it all...

My Cheshire Cat with the cutest tail-holder around

And some of you may not know, but there were FOUR babies all born within a few weeks/months of eachother a couple years ago, including my Asher-dasher.  Asher is the oldest of them all, but by far the smallest.  But we thought it would be super cute if the babies dressed up as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  And so turtles they were! 

turtles bobbing for apples

My Michelangelo

It was a great night, and we ran out of candy by about 7:30ish and ended up having to hand out my kids own candy loot.  Shh, they don't know. Nor do they know that I've had a snickers from their bags every night after they've fallen asleep. Muahahaha. Which reminds me..I'm due for a run. Darn you Snickers, why are you so tasty.

So, what was the coolest thing you saw someone doing/handing out while you trick-or-treated with your kids?  I'd really love to know!



I still smell like onions... but it's the aroma of accomplishment!

About 3 weeks ago I was reading a friends post on Facebook about how she had cooked 1 months worth of meals in a day.  Naturally, it caught my eye and I started asking questions and snooping around on her page some more.  She had used a website that breaks it all down in multiple steps and does most of the hard work for you. http://onceamonthmom.com/

I read, then kinda forgot about it.  Then continued with juggling my life of mother, wife, vinyl sign professional, taxi driver, laundress, grocery shopper, poop cleaner, homework corrector, dish-washer, dog groomer, novice runner, and all the other hats that the world has me putting on at a moments notice.  I must admit that I do have plenty of help with these things, especially my husband.  He makes one cute stay-at-home daddy.  I think he needs one of those frilly aprons to polish off the look though.

So after another good, but busy week, I remembered that website and decided to take it a little more seriously.  I realized that on this site, they had it set up for 2 people to do the the cooking together.  They had a grocery list already written out, and step-by-step instructions on what recipe to cook and in what order to make it the most efficient.  The other thing that I appreciated was that the recipes for each month correlate to what is usually in season at that time and/or what is probably on sale. 

So I called my friend up and talked it up and manipulated convinced her to do it with me.  I agreed to do all the shopping and she did all the organizing and printing of recipes and labels (they even have labels ready to print out to put on your finished meals with cooking instructions).  It took me two shopping trips to get everything.  My first was a ginormous WinCo trip that lasted a few hours.  And while their prices were cheap, I had forgotten until the end that I was the one responsible for bagging the couple hundred pounds of canned stuff I had bought.  =)  I appreciate cashiers.

The night before D day, the instructions suggested that we chop up most of our vegetables.  I chose to give my prego friend a break and took on the job of chopping up the 30 onions.  But I had a terrible cold, and about 5 or so in, I couldn't see, and my nose was flooding.  My amazing husband came to the rescue and finished the job.  Everyone in the house was in tears though, and I thought it was kinda funny. 

We decided that D day should start bright and early.  And it did! We started cooking at exactly 8:30 that morning.  And with just a couple of food breaks, and kid breaks, we cooked all through the day, and finished right around 8:30 that night.  That included clean-up too.  But in the end, we each had close to 22 (we chose to not do a couple recipes and I think they assume you wont be eating at home every single night of the month) meals to put in our freezers. And as for cost, I think it equaled about $8/meal.  And it should be less, as this time we had to buy a lot of essentials that we will be able to continue to reuse for quite a few months.  Considering we are both feeding families of 5 and 6 people, I think that's pretty good!



It's been about 2 weeks now, and I truly feel that I can still smell onion in some of my clothes, but I haven't cooked once.  And even though some of the meals haven't been my absolute favorite, I still said that it tasted great, because I didn't have to cook that night!

 And the best part?  I have more time to wear some more enjoyable hats; available friend, kid cuddler, family story-time reader, adoring wife, relaxing mommy.  So I may smell like onions, but I think it's worth it if I can stop and smell the roses.

This doesn't show the entire fridge filled to the brim

Starting bright and early

Cutting up pork-butt.  It was late and I was getting a little tired!



13.1 and Stranger Puke

TJ and I ran our 3rd half marathon this last Sunday.  It was a big day for a lot of the people as it was 10/10/10 and many of them were running a 10k.  They said that 800 more people signed up for the race the night before, making it quite the large shin-dig. 

But we weren't there for the 10k (6.21 miles).  We were there for the 13.1 miles.  So off we went.  We were the very last people to cross the start, as I HAD to use the Honey Bucket.  No biggie, we bolted through the crowds of runners and got to our comfortable spot.  And there we stayed for the long haul.

It's funny the things that I associate with running now.  Like Stranger Puke.  Yep, it's what you see on the side of the race trail.  Puke.  Someone's you don't know.  It's just a fact of the run.  Some because they ate too much that morning, some because they drank too much the night before, some, because they just think it's the cool thing to do on a long run.  Honestly, I don't know. It's Stranger Puke.  I'll never know it's owner.  But you see it, and run on.

We didn't finish this race with our best time.  It was hard.  No. It was a BEAST.  I remember repeating that over and over in my head around miles 7-9.  I knew we were gonna hit Doomsday at around mile 9, but I didn't realize there were like 4 mini Doomsdays before that.  It was killer.  But we did it.  And I didn't leave any Stranger Puke of my own.  So if nothing else, that's something.

I can say that I'm a little burnt out with the 1/2 marathon.  I want to keep doing races, but I think I would like to mix it up a little more next season.  Maybe more 5ks that test my speed, some 10ks to test my endurance, and then maybe...do I even say it....maybe, I'll do a full marathon.  Ugh.  I said it.  And I swore to TJ I would never want to do one.  But I've found I'm actually a pretty decent runner.  I'm not the fastest, but I'm also not the slowest, and seeing the improvement in yourself is really encouraging.  I know I can do a 1/2.  But can I do a full?  I don't know.  I'll take the winter to feel it out.  No decisions have to me made right away.

But now it's on to the "off" season, I guess.  No more plans to race, but the desire to keep on running.  I will have to get to know my treadmil a little more.  Anyone want to join me?

"My mom can vinyl better than your mom!"...

 

...Not exactly what I thought my kids could potentially be saying on the playground.  Vinyl.  It's really kind of a weird word.  Vinyl...Viiinylll.  seriously.  Who comes up with these names?  I'd like to know.  That would be a cool job.

But seriously.  If you would have asked me 5 years ago what I would be doing in 5 years, I would probably have said that I would be pregnant with our second kid (ahhahaHAHAHAahaha, oh sorry, back to what I was saying), having just finished up my masters degree in counseling a few years before, and then probably planning on moving somewhere foreign and crazy to raise our children among the poor and needy.  Heh. Isn't that so sweet?

Someone just today asked me if I wanted to hear their plan for their life.  I laughed and said "YES! Tell me! Cause then I'm going to love to see what ACTUALLY happens!" =) Not that planning isn't good.  And that plans don't come true.  I just never never ever ever realized that life changes plans, and that plans don't necessarily change life.  I didn't know then.  I know now!

But I'm getting all sidetracked to what I really wanted to tell you about.  When that whole "life" thing happened and we moved down to Utah, I learned about this really up-and-coming craft called vinyl lettering.  It was EVERYwere down there.  Everyone was doing it.  And I wanted in.  I knew people loved it, and it was a pretty simple concept, and I didn't like having to call someone to place an order (I'm kinda strong-headed like that. Bet that's news to you.).  I wanted to do it myself, darn it!

So with a lot of research, and a lot of sweet talking to my daddy (enter eyelash batting here), I eventually was able to obtain a machine that opened up an entire new world of possibilities for me.  I joined a forum ( a WHAT?) and asked questions.  lots of them.  and started learning about how my machine worked to turn huge sheets of thin colored sticky plastic into amazing works of sticky art.  I've been in love ever since.

This is a world I never would have imagined  for myself.   But it has been great!  I have been able to continue to stay at home with my babies, but I also have a fun, creative outlet that sometimes even brings in a little extra $$.  I've learned crazy nerdy computer things that most people don't understand, like when I ask people if they have an .eps file or a vectorized image, or learning to node-edit, etc (unless you're one of those freaks who spends all of their time at the new apple store here in Spokane...which come to think of it, many of my friends are...) 

My kids love it cause they always have the cool gift at a birthday party, or the perfect suck-up gift for their teachers, and their rooms can be whatever dream-land they want (actually, I told them that, but then neglected to actually finish it, cause well, I didn't do it yet! =P ) Alexis has already told me several times that she wants to help me do my vinyl business when she's older (as well as be a baby nurse and a the first 6ft-tall professional gymnast). And Kyrsta is always right under me while I'm doing my work "helping me" pick off pieces and holding my tools for me, and constantly telling me "Mommy, you good at vinyl!".  

The thing I like the most is that my kids are seeing me do something that I enjoy, that is positive, and rewarding for me.  That their mom isn't "just" a stay-at-home mom.  She's someone they look up to and inspire to be like.  Gets me all goosebumpily (just created a word right there).  So bottom line; vinyl = me as a better mommy.   Thanks vinyl!

Do you have a "thing" in your life that wasn't apart of your original plan that you love?  I'd love to know!



This one's for you, Jess!

I had the chance to meet up with one of my good friends from high school last weekend while I was in the Tri-cities.  At one point she told me that she loves reading my blog, but that I've really been slacking on putting up new posts lately.  She is super right!  But my response to her was something along the lines of: I want to be real and I'm not sure if people want to hear that life is tough right now.   

But after I went home and thought about that, I realized that I've really been neglecting to see a lot of the good stuff too.  And that the other stuff, is well, just life!

So since it has been so long since I last wrote, this will probably be more of an update post, but my hope is that after that, I can actually write more topic based posts. I think those are way more fun to read and write anyway!

TJ is still looking for work here in Spokane.  I continue to do my best to support him as he does all he can to follow God and wait for the right opportunity to come around.  And to be patient.  I'm the opposite of patient. Can we say Utah? =)

I'm really enjoying spending some more one-on-one time with Kyrsta and Asher now that the big kids are in school again.  Usually Kyrsta has too many stars in her eyes following Alexis around to want to play with Mommy and Daddy.  Now that Lex is in school, we're pretty cool again.  I think she's pretty cool too.  And that Asher-man.... He's a riot.  His pictures speak a thousand words!
TJ and I are still running.  We just completed our 2nd half marathon last weekend in Richland and had a great time!  The weather was in the 70's and the run was beautiful.  We were able to run this half marathon 18 minutes faster then the 1st one we ran back in May!  It felt great!  But the best part was seeing my parents and kids waiting for us at the finish line.  I loved that.

And our Kaleo community continues to be the glue that keeps our family going here.  They are our true Spokane family.  We love that our relationships with these people are so genuine.  They are real people, going through real life, just like us.  They care.  And we care about them, immensely.  We are so thankful that we have them to go through life with.  I couldn't imagine it any other way.  Could you?