Facing My Fears + Being a Feminist

I did it.  I faced my fears yesterday.  I went running by myself, outside, beyond the borders of my little neighborhood.

If you aren't familiar as to why this is such a big deal, this summer I was on a solo run and a very scary guy (totally stereotypical stalker/napper type) in a truck decided to try to pick me up and totally creep me out on so many levels.  I had to run for my life while yelling for help, call the cops and hide in another strangers car to get a ride home.  It all happened in broad daylight, on a road that I thought was pretty populated and safe.  It is a gravel road, but has quite a few houses on it and I had run on it lots of times before with TJ and the kids.

The super frustrating part about that run was that it was the very first time I had decided to go out and run by myself, without TJ or another partner.  I remember feeling empowered as I started out that day, realizing that in that moment I had truly become a runner.  Not a runners sidekick.  And then Creepy Stalker Guy shows up at mile 3 and TOTALLY deflates all of my self esteem. And worse, totally pissed me off.

There's no way to even count the number of times now that I have had to sit out of a run for a day because there was just no way TJ and I were going to be able to get out together.  Instead, he goes out, and I stay back sitting on the couch with the kids.  I also can't count the laps I've done around my neighborhood.  If any of my neighbors are as nosey as I am, looking out their window all the time, then I'm sure they eye roll when they see me pass by for the third time in 30 minutes.  I eye roll at the thought of it.  I'm BORED!  I want to get out there, run on a new street, be alone.  But I've been terrified.  If that happened on my first run by myself, what else is out there waiting for me?

So yesterday, I was over it. I was tired of being scared, of being angry.  So I told TJ I'm going. I'm going down that road again. Alone. At first I was going to at least take the dog, but he is a 2 month old puppy stuck in a full sized lab.  He didn't make the cut.  So before I changed my mind, I grabbed the pepper spray and my cell phone and ran out the door.

It felt so. freaking. good.  Until mile 3 again.  No Creepy Stalker Guy, just Stupid Farm Dog Looking To Snack On My Heal.  At just about the same spot this dog came running after me.  I grabbed my pepper spray and he kept playing with me, like he was enjoying all this. I sprayed it towards him but he bounced out of the way.  That made me more mad and a little nervous. Every time I would turn around to keep going, he would sneak up on my heals!  He eventually realized who the Alpha was and ran off, but this left me in a state of pure pissedness.

It made me feel weak, helpless, dumb.  Like I couldn't even come back and tell anyone that I had decided to go for a run again on that road without getting the "Well, you should've known better!" look, speech, FB message, whatever it would be.  That everyone would just tell me that it's too dangerous out there for us girls, and just stick to your treadmill.

I'm angry.  I'm angry at centuries of women having to live in fear because they have been told that they are weak, vulnerable, and fragile.  I'm angry that I'm angry that this will never happen to my husband.  I can do barefoot and pregnant, but I want to run outside on a freaking road, and not fear for my life, and not have other people telling me I'm stupid for wanting to.  It shouldn't be a big deal! Ah!

Being a feminist is not what I would usually call myself.  I do recognize the differences in myself allowing me to, in many beautiful ways, need my husband to make up for my female weaknesses.  But on the inside, I am strong, and I feel the world is constantly trying to take that away from me.  So where do I go with all this now?  Well, chill out a little for starters.  Drink a glass of wine, read a good book about women punching Creepy Stalker Guys in the no-nos and birthing multiple children with no drugs while baking cookies.

And  then I'm just going to continue to fight the world and try to be person God has created me to be.  A Woman. Strong. Confident. Aware.  And I will run down that road again.  But I might wear steel-toed shoes, so watch out.

Remembering When...

This week has ended up being quite an emotional one for me.  I've done a lot of looking back and recalling some bittersweet memories.  This week marks two very different life changing events for me and for our family.



Baby Kyrsta Grace born 11/14/06



4 years ago this week, I became a mother for the very first time.  My world of population TJ and Jamie seemed to turn into population Kyrsta (sounds like kEEr-sta) the very instant she entered it.  I. Loved. Her.  And for two years, she was what we lived for.  She was beautiful, and CRAZY intense, and my everything.



I was doing some deep cleaning in a closet this week and stumbled across a framed picture of Kyrsta's ultrasound picture.  I remember looking at that picture while still pregnant with her, dreaming of what she would be like, and what our life would be like once she arrived.  I wondered if she would love being our oldest child, our guinea pig full of mixed signals and untamed love.  I can tell you today, she loves everything we give her.  She loves being loved (her daddy is her favorite).  And we love to love her, still full of mixed signals and crazy untamed love. And she loves NOT being the oldest.

 2 years ago this week, we had two more beautiful babies (6 and 8 year old babies) move in to our home, and start their journey as being our children.  That was such an emotional time.  We couldn't promise them forever yet, and they were confused and losing so much of their past lives.  It makes me want to cry for them when I try to imagine the things that they must have been thinking and feeling that first week they moved into our home.  I'm tearing up now.  I worried that they would be angry with me forever for wanting them, for taking them away from everything they had been finally getting used to in their foster home; and for wanting to adopt them.  And in the beginning, I think they were.  That was hard. Poor babies.  MY poor babies. 

And now we have today.  I celebrate becoming a mother.  I celebrate the life of my Kyrsta Grace. I celebrate the coming of two hurting children into their forever home.  And I mourn the loses of my childrens' past and the things that should have been that never were.

~Lord, I give my children into your hands.  Keep them safe from harm and protect their hearts from this world that will for sure try to hurt them.  Heal the hurts that are already there that I can not take away.  You are the one whom life is worth living for.  I pray they grow to know that.  That you open their hearts, as you did ours, to a life that more then likely will not look they way they think it will, or will want it to.  But in all things, give them great love.  May they say yes to love, always yes.  And may we, as their parents, lead by example. Amen.

Our Halloween Front Yard Carnival Recap:

Last Halloween my friends and I came up with an idea.  We wanted to do something in our neighborhood that was fun, and that would help us get to know our neighbors a little better. We decided to do a front yard carnival and out of all of our neighborhoods, we decided that mine was probably going to have the most trick-or-treaters.  So we put up a little board and used it as a "fishing" for candy booth, did some face painting and handed out hot cocoa and coffee.  Even though it wasn't alot, people were still thrilled and excited to have something different and engaging.  And I actually met a lot of my neighbors that night, with whom I am now friends with, which is exactly what I was hoping for.  Yes, I like making friends with my neighbors. Sorry if you think that's wierd.

And some of my neighbors do think that is wierd.  I could tell that some people thought we were freaks who probably spiked the hot cocoa with Mary Jane, but for the most part people were thrilled to warm up with a nice hot drink while their kids filled their bags with candy at our fishing booth.

This year we decided to do the carnival again.  And we had some of the same.  A few parents wouldn't come past the sidewalk and hurried their excited kids through.  But lots of people remembered us from last year and were excited to see us bigger and better then we were the year before.

This time I put up a sign (yes, I vinyled it) on the main road a few days before to let people know about our carnival.  And then we made a super cool, HUGE fishing booth board (yes, I vinyled that too).  Then we had an apple bobbing station, face painting, blongo ball,  and coffee and apple cider (saved us TONS of time mixing up cocoa, and was still super yum-O), and TONS of our friends to help play games and pass stuff out.

There were over 30 of us hanging out at our house that night.  We polished off two giant crockpots full of chili while we waited for people to join our fun.  We were our own party, which was pretty awesome.

Not a single trick-or-treater showed up til after 6 and we were ready to go by 4!  So while we waited we had plenty of time for pictures.  We had the entire cast of Alice & Wonderland; Alice, Queen of Hearts, White Queen, Mad Hatter, March Hare, Caterpillar,Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber (my lovely husband was the Dumber of the two, but it was noticed that atleast he knew how to spell his name correctly) and myself, the Cheshire Cat. =)  That's my big Cheshire smile. I would love to show you a picture of the whole group, but there are a few kiddos in the pic that I can't post due to them being in foster care.  But I can tell you, we all looked awesome!! 



My beautiful White Queen and our Princess Kyrsta




Alice, Queen of Hearts, and White Queen



The picture says it all...

My Cheshire Cat with the cutest tail-holder around

And some of you may not know, but there were FOUR babies all born within a few weeks/months of eachother a couple years ago, including my Asher-dasher.  Asher is the oldest of them all, but by far the smallest.  But we thought it would be super cute if the babies dressed up as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  And so turtles they were! 

turtles bobbing for apples

My Michelangelo

It was a great night, and we ran out of candy by about 7:30ish and ended up having to hand out my kids own candy loot.  Shh, they don't know. Nor do they know that I've had a snickers from their bags every night after they've fallen asleep. Muahahaha. Which reminds me..I'm due for a run. Darn you Snickers, why are you so tasty.

So, what was the coolest thing you saw someone doing/handing out while you trick-or-treated with your kids?  I'd really love to know!